Posted on: July 10, 2009

Checkmate

Cohabitation can lead to a home-décor disaster. Here's how to avoid World War III

By Dawn Klingensmith
CTW Features

Newly cohabitating couples may have some nasty spats while consolidating and paring down their possessions, but the process is governed by unwritten yet universally accepted rules. For example, whose futon stays is determined not so much by style as overall shabbiness - hers reeks of beer, his doesn't. Ergo, hers ends up in the alley. Also, women have automatic veto power over certain items like mounted deer heads, officially licensed NFL bedding, light-up beer signs and recliners patched with duct tape.

Later on, when couples are able to invest in "adult" furnishings and décor, there aren't clear-cut rules. "In issues of decorating, all people are correct because it's a matter of taste," which is subjective, says couples therapist Ella Lasky, of the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy in New York City.

"When I studied interior design, no one told me I'd need a degree in psychology, as well," says Nora Schneider, Chicago, adding that disagreements arise more often than not when she works with couples. Invariably pressed to take sides, "I tell them, 'You're paying me for my advice, and I'm going to be open and honest,'" she says. "I say, 'This is why one thing works and not the other - it's not personal.'"

Schneider says couples argue most about going traditional or modern, followed by sofas; pricy artwork; colors; and home theater components. "Women are not so crazy about having some giant subwoofer out in the open," she says, "whereas men don't see the problem."

Home-décor decisions may seem superficial in the grand scheme of things, but they can have relationship-threatening repercussions down the line

"I have worked with couples in which one person dominated the decorating, and the other person sees the concrete outcome of this every day," Lasky says. Every vase, throw rug and Venetian blind then becomes cause for resentment.

"All decisions must be passed by both parties unless you've agreed otherwise," Lasky says. "You may have to discuss your differences several times before you find the perfect compromise, but living happily together in your redecorated home is worth it."

1. Blame the budget:

Set strict, agreed-upon limitations on spending upfront to eliminate from consideration items that one person adores and the other can't abide.

2. Talk things through:

As soon as one person starts to get upset, "I encourage couples to make an appointment to continue talking at a specific time in the near future, perhaps the next day or whenever both have calmed down," Lasky says.

3. Divide and concur:

Divvy up rooms into "his" and "hers" and allow each partner to take charge of his or her decorating domain, while making a good-faith effort to take each other's ideas into consideration.

4. Seek common ground:

Discuss both of your likes and dislikes. "Once you have this information, if you are really into teamwork, you can try to brainstorm solutions that include both of your tastes," Lasky says.

5. Give and take:

If you're each drawn to a different sofa, you might get the style you want by allowing your partner to pick the fabric.

6. Think outside the design catalog:

Use unrelated bargaining chips. Schneider worked with a woman whose lamp choice prevailed when she agreed to let her husband get a dog.

7. Defer to a designer

Objective design principles guide such things as color and pattern selection; furniture size, proportion and placement; and mixing and matching styles.

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