On Love and Jealousy

How to express jealous feelings to a partner, how to use them as motivation and how to get over it

By Anna Sachse
CTW Features

Most people are proud of their partner’s accomplishments when it comes to career and fitness, but despite the fact that these positive changes will improve both people’s quality of life, many still find themselves looking through green-colored glasses.

“Sometimes, when one partner has stopped working in order to raise a child, he or she can feel like their opinion doesn’t have as much weight when it comes to money matters and purchasing for the family,” says Scott Haltzman, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry at Brown University, Providence, R.I. “Or if one partner suddenly starts getting in shape, it can stimulate suspicion in the other partner. ‘Why are you doing this now? Who are you trying to attract?’”

Occasionally feeling jealous of your partner is understandable, but, if sustained, these feelings will be detrimental to your relationship’s team dynamic.

“Nowadays, relationships and marriage are less an economic and social union held together by outside forces as they are a love-based union, held together internally,” says Amy Olson-Sigg, a research associate for acclaimed marriage psychologist David H. Olson’s Life Innovations, Minneapolis, Minn., for 15 years. “Similarities are more important than the social exchange theories of, for example, trading physical attractiveness for social status.”

In other words, romantic relationships and marriages today are more of a partnership. Therefore, if one person feels inferior, insecure or jealous, for whatever reason, that insecurity will leak out in other ways, such as low self-esteem, moodiness, irritability, competitiveness or withdrawal, says Olson-Sigg. These behaviors can then impact the other partner negatively and, with a sort of domino effect, throw the entire relationship even further out of whack.

Experts recommend two different tactics for getting back your balance: Talk about it and take responsibility.

Talking about it is just another way of saying good communication, the most important predictor of a healthy relationship, according to Olson-Sigg.

“Women often put themselves last when taking care of the needs of the family and therefore end up feeling exhausted, unhealthy, unimportant or even inferior” says Haltzman, author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” (Jossey-Bass, 2005) and “The Secrets of Happily Married Women” (Jossey-Bass, 2008). “But most men don’t want this outcome; they really want their wives to take care of themselves. Don’t be afraid to voice your needs to your husband, but then allow him the opportunity and time to help you, even if his actions are imperfect or ‘inferior’ at first.”

Also keep in mind that the goal of communication is not to blame your partner for your uncomfortable feelings, but rather to feel heard and reassured. Olson-Sigg suggests using “I feel” statements in these situations (such as “Although I really am so proud of your promotion at work, I feel like I am really not getting enough adult-time by myself ... “), as they slow down the communication process and thus minimize the tendency of the speaker to get off track or be accusatory or defensive.

However, before you jump into a discussion in the first place, it’s a good idea to take a long, hard look at yourself, advises Haltzman. If your spouse has boosted his or her fitness to combat a health problem, maybe your jealousy is less about their potential to cheat on you and more about your discomfort with your own excess weight or poor health. Once you understand your feelings, use them to motivate change in your own life - maybe start working out with your partner, sign up for a race together or challenge each other to find and cook healthy but tasty recipes.

“The only thing you can control at the end of the day is your own thoughts and behaviors,” Olson-Siggs says.

Which means together a couple can change for the better.

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