The End of the Affair

Healing a relationship following infidelity takes honesty, a willingness to change and time

By Dawn Klingensmith
CTW Features

The extramarital affairs of politicians and world-class athletes thrust them in the spotlight. But what many repentant adulterers who are not famous don’t realize is that to save the marriage, they also must give up privacy, albeit to an audience of one instead of millions.

“Rebuilding trust requires you to allow your partner to become a detective. You have to be entirely open and willing to answer every question,” says Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of “The Secrets of Happy Families” (Jossey-Bass, 2009). “People don’t understand these rules. They think they should still be able to keep their e-mails private.”

Along with handing over computer pass codes, the partner who strayed must break off all communications with the person he or she cheated with. A lot of people try to justify continued contact once the affair is no longer physical, Haltzman says.

If the affair began at work, the adulterer should find a new job, transfer to a different department or, at the very least, limit contact as much as possible with the interloper. “If it comes to choosing between your spouse and career, healing the marriage may require that degree of sacrifice,” says Haltzman, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University, Providence, R.I.

Adultery does not necessarily doom a marriage if the offender respects there are new rules.

“The bottom line is affairs happen in good marriages and there are lessons to be learned after a rupture that make it possible to go and have a stronger marriage than before,” says Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, a Westport, Conn.-based psychologist and author of “How Can I Forgive You?” (Harper Paperbacks, 2005).

To improve the marriage’s chances for survival, “The unfaithful partner needs to write an apology letter that demonstrates his understanding of the harm he’s caused,” Spring says. “The apology is not simply saying ‘I’m sorry’ because that costs you nothing. When offenders spell out what they’re sorry for in minute detail, it demonstrates an understanding of how they hurt their partner.”

People who have an affair must be willing to engage in intense self-reflection, perhaps with a counselor, to try to figure out why they had the affair and what weaknesses and vulnerabilities made them susceptible, Spring says. “If you don’t understand why, there’s no reason for the hurt partner to trust that it won’t happen again.”

The wronged spouse has some responsibilities, as well, including apologizing for his or her part in the marital problems. “That doesn’t mean they made the other person be unfaithful, but they may have contributed to creating a gap in the marriage,” Spring says.

The hurt partner should open up rather than seal up and talk about his or her pain in a respectful tone. “Don’t stonewall or there can be no healing,” Spring says.

And in time, the aggrieved party should allow for more privacy and perhaps even a private e-mail account. But the adulterer first must submit to greater scrutiny.

“It may make the person who was unfaithful feel a bit controlled and micromanaged,” Spring says, “but it demonstrates a willingness to make their partner feel safe.”

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