Surviving the Aftermath

The death of a spouse adds many difficult decisions to a time of grief - here's how to handle them

By Dawn Klingensmith
CTW Features

Immediately after the death of a spouse, there are excruciating but ultimately inconsequential decisions to make, such as what to dress the deceased in and what to wear to the funeral. There's also a multitude of tasks - informing friends and family, notifying the newspaper, making funeral arrangements, processing paperwork.

The surviving spouse is so overwhelmed that it's wise not to make big decisions.

"I would say most if not just about all major decisions can and should be put off for a year because you can't count on where you are psychologically and emotionally. The mourning state precludes you understanding what the issues and options are," says Washington, D.C.-based psychologist Mary R. Donahue, co-author of "On Your Own: A Widow's Passage to Emotional and Financial Well-being" (Armstrong Fleming & Moore Inc., 2006). "You cannot process data in an appropriate way to make good decisions. There's science on this."

This is true for both widows and widowers, but women tend to outlive their spouses and often face greater uncertainty. It's still common in this day and age for husbands to handle long-term financial planning with little or no involvement from their wives. Once widowed, women often feel lost and find that financial advisers who did business with their husbands fail to address their needs. "They talk down to widows, or they take the 'Don't bother your pretty little head' approach and fail to explain things," says Washington, D.C.-based financial planner Alexandra Armstrong, co-author of "On Your Own."

However, unless an adviser seems shady or pushy, she advises against making immediate changes because it's easier to get a handle on finances with someone who is already familiar with the couple's situation. This also applies to lawyers and accountants. "In six months to a year, you can reassess these relationships," Armstrong says.

With help from an adviser, a widow needs to calculate how much it will cost her to live and whether she has sufficient income. "Very rarely is there a situation where something immediate needs to be done with the investment portfolio," says behavioral psychologist Matt Wallaert of Thrive, a Web-based financial management company (JustThrive.com) that operates out of New York.

Although taking action and making changes might make a widow feel in control, she should resist the impulse to do something drastic like sell her home, quit her job, move near her children, make investments or lend money.

"Loans are a big no-no," Donahue says. People often hit up widows because they assume they've just inherited and are addled and vulnerable enough to say yes.

Colleen Phillips, a Sarasota, Fla.-based "widow coach" who lost her husband to cancer, agrees that waiting a year before making major decisions is good advice, generally. "I don't know where everyone comes up with that timeline, though," she says, adding that widows process grief at their own pace.

Phillips took the advice to heart and almost passed on the opportunity to accept a plum job near her parents because, at the 11-month mark, it was "too early" to relocate.

Certain actions should be taken in the first year, such as forging new social networks as well as maintaining ones from the past. "If all your previous friends are coupled, it's a constant reminder of what you don't have," Donahue says.

Phillips recommends grief counseling or a support group, adding that the Internet is a good way to connect with others who have lost their spouses.

However, Donahue cautions widows not to begin a "second life" on the Internet. "It's removed and solitary," she says, and vulnerable people can fall prey to scammers.

.

Comments	Date

Name:
Email:
Comments :

Copyright © CTW Features