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Posted on: July 22, 2009

You Have Been Warned

Most kids say nothing when something is bothering them. Here are the warning signs to look for and how to get the information you need to help

By Melanie Wanzek
CTW Features

Getting information from your kids isn't easy. But rather than focusing on what they say, take note of what they're not saying. In short, their behavior and body language. A variety of warnings can signal something is amiss, depending on the child's age and tendencies.

Changes in behavior, sleep, appetite or mood tend to be red flags, as well as withdrawal, outbursts of anger, and disinterest in activities or people they used to enjoy. Since each child is unique, it's important to remember that different warning signs may surface. What matters, says Ronald Mah, author of "Getting Beyond Bullying and Exclusion, PreK-5: Empowering Children in Inclusive Classrooms" (Corwin Press, 2009), is whether your child's particular patterns have changed.

"It has to do with knowing your child well," he says. "Symptoms could be anything that's disruptive. For one kid who tends to be very active, that might be normal behavior, but if it's a child who is normally pretty sedate, then being active could be a sign of something."

Parents should do two things: listen well and work to create an environment where their children feel comfortable sharing from early on. Dr. Dale-Elizabeth Pehrsson, clinical director for the Bibliotherapy Education Project at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, recommends creating a safe place for the child, such as their bedroom, and to set up a routine of chatting each day. Avoid asking direct questions. Often kids will either tell you what you want to hear or lie for fear of getting in trouble. "Take your kid for a walk or work on a project together so you can have a conversation," she says. "Then use open-ended statements like 'I noticed you've been looking a little worried lately' to open it up and not make it feel like a lecture." Dr. Pehrsson also recommends reading stories or watching movies together as ways to facilitate conversation about tough topics.

A Bad Relationship With a Teacher

Since children have to form relationships with new teachers each year, it's common for clashes to occur. Dr. Pehrsson says creative techniques can help smooth their experiences.

"Start off by saying 'tell me about your day,'" she says. "Then maybe make a game out of it. Have your child play 'Harriet the Spy' and find out the best way to relate to the teacher - what does he like? What sets him off? It can be a good lesson in learning how to read people."

Julie Hartline, a school counselor at Campbell High School, Smyrna, Ga., says first to communicate directly with the teacher and see if it is something that can be resolved simply. If not, consider scheduling a conference. If the relationship continues to struggle, consider setting your child up to be tutored by another teacher, and use it as an opportunity for growth.

"It's a good time to help them learn to be productive in a situation they may not like," Hartline says. "Help them understand that sometimes we do things for us, in this case, pass a class, despite the person we may be working with."

Academic struggles/homework

Typically a child struggling academically won't come forward until grades are out and it's too late. Hartline recommends regularly asking your child for academic updates so you can see problems in time to help. In addition, seeking outside assistance can often be more productive then attempting to teach your child on your own.

"Students are often more receptive to me rather than a parent," Hartline says. "As a counselor, I'm not someone they feel judged by, I'm just there to give some help." She says parents can help greatly by being supportive of their child through difficulties and using the school guidance counselor, who has access to tools, techniques and materials to give parents and students. Also check out the American School Counselor Association's Web site for additional resources.

"People take for granted that students know how to manage their time, organize a notebook and study," Hartline says. "But even a child that has been high achieving in the past has to learn these things."

Bullying

If a child becomes a bully's target, the parent must strike a balance between involvement and over-involvement. According to Mah, it's best to resist the urge to coach with phrases like 'you need to do this or that,' which might imply that it's the child's fault he or she is being bullied.

For younger children in particular, Mah says it's necessary to call the school and make them aware of the situation. "'Boys will be boys' is not an appropriate mentality," he says. "Bullying happens because the culture allows it, so classroom, school and playground intervention is critical. A child can only do so much by himself or herself - adults need to step in and stop it from happening."

For older children, Shayen George, CEO of Associates in Counseling & Child Guidance, Sharon, Pa., recommends encouraging them to work it out on their own first unless it is life threatening. "As they mature and become adults they will have to work out their own social problems, so we need to give them a chance to learn how to deal with those," he says.

Cliques

Feeling excluded by cliques is a common but difficult problem to assess as a parent. The first step, says Dr. Nancy Molitor, a clinical psychologist in Wilmette, Ill., is to be sympathetic and not overreact. "Try to be warm and understanding; sit with the child and be where they're at, rather than rushing in to fix the problem," she says.

For younger children, parents can act by calling other parents or arranging an event at their home to facilitate relationship building. It's also helpful to ask children about their hurt feelings and share stories from childhood of feeling excluded. For older children, parents should focus on encouraging them and building healthy self-esteem. They can then coach ways for the child to make other friends and encourage them to get involved in other activities.

"I often say, if you want to make a friend then be a friend," Molitor says. "For instance, asking someone 'can you help me with this?' or complimenting them. Give them some tips, be sensitive to their pain, but at the same time recognize that part of growing up is learning how to negotiate friendships and deal with rejection."

Failure

When children face failure, whether that means not making a sports team or missing out on the school play, Dr. Pehrsson says the main thing parents should do is honor the effort. Try saying things like 'you know, that's very brave of you to try out,' while resisting quick fixes to take away the pain, like spoiling or pampering the child. Fixes take away the child's ability to learn resilience, which is an important part of growth. Instead, listen to and comfort your child, and then brainstorm other activities to pursue.

"The main thing is to help them realize it's not the end of the world," Hartline says. "Help them see they're not alone, and help them come up with new goals to find other things they might be interested in."

Peer pressure

According to George, the best way to approach peer pressure situations is to be very open with a child. "Discuss these things and explain the hazards involved, because they're going to happen," he says. By talking about the child's experiences early, in a non-judgmental way, parents create an avenue through which to continue the conversation in later years. Also assist your child in setting goals for the future - making goals can then help your child see the impact his actions could have on that future.

In addition, most parents shy away from setting up structure as their children age, but structure is more important than ever because it gives them an excuse to exit pressure-filled situations. Create curfews and ask your child to call at a certain time. This way they have an "out" if they're feeling uncomfortable but don't want to embarrass themselves in front of friends.