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Posted on: October 9, 2008

Secrets, Lies and Other Stupid Moves

Unearthing a hidden past can put a relationship at-risk, but experts say revealing those secrets the right way can lead to healing

By Jeff Schnaufer
CTW Features

Psssst! Think you know when to keep a secret from your significant other?

Think again.

"I had this couple I worked with where she was not told by her husband that he had previous marriage and previous child," recalls Dr. Allen Berger, therapist and author of "Love Secrets Revealed" (HCI, 2006). "If she had that information, she wouldn't have married him. When she found out he withheld that information from her, she felt betrayed and it became the end of the relationship."

Big or small, keeping secrets can destroy a relationship. But can't telling a secret damage a relationship just as well?

"You cant really have a relationship if you're holding secrets," says Berger, Redondo Beach, Calif. "There's no way I can trust my partner if she is withholding critical information. If a relationship is going to be healthy, then love needs to be a choice.

Psychologist Christopher Blazina, author of The Secret Lives of Men: What Men Want You To Know About Love, Sex and Relationships (HCI, 2008), says revealing a secret is "better to do the preemptive way rather than getting caught and having to explain after they find out."

Whether you're hiding an affair or a credit card, the secret to telling secrets to your loved one is knowing where, when and how best to reveal it, experts say. First, though, you need to ask yourself why you want to share it.

"One motivation that is not good is that they feel guilty," Blazina says. "They want to alleviate their guilt by getting it off their chest and the other person has to carry the emotional burden. I think in the best situation, you do it because you believe the secret acts as a clear barrier in terms of intimacy with your significant other."

There's also a time and place for revealing secrets.

"You don't want to do it out in public, in a restaurant or give them a surprise ticket to the 'Maury Povich Show,'" Blazina says.

Sharing a significant secret when a person is angry, tucking the kids into bed or tired is also not wise. Berger suggests a face-to-face discussion. In the case of a secret that could end a relationship, Berger suggests having a mediator present when you reveal the secret - such as clergy, therapist or a life coach. But don't look to someone else to pass the secret for you.

"You don't call the mother and say, 'Would you pass this information to your daughter?'" Berger says.

Writing what you want to say down on index cards can be helpful, Blazina adds, as well as going over it with a trusted friend beforehand. Most importantly, Berger says, tell your loved one how you feel sharing this secret. If you're afraid that this secret will break the relationship, say so. If you want to repair the damage done and learn from this, let them know.

Finally, ask them if they want to hear the secret before telling them.

"Some people don't want to know," Berger says. "That's their choice. At least you've cleaned up your side of the street."

And don't expect warm hugs and kisses after revealing a powerful secret. It takes time to heal from feelings of betrayal. And even then there are no guarantees.

"It's almost a leap of faith," Blazina says. "The benefit is that you get the relationship back on track. But you can't guarantee there's going to be a happy ending. I think that's what's so scary. But the ultimate reward is that you feel more comfortable in your own skin and you remove the barrier between you and the people you care about."