Posted on: July 15, 2008

More to Love

Excess pounds can create more than just a physical divide between couples. Here’s how to speak to your spouse without disrupting the house

By Dawn Klingensmith
CTW Features

Anita Wilson of Bonita Springs, Fla., has stuck by her husband through thick and thin – and in her case, that’s literal truth. Roger, her spouse, started to gain weight soon after they married. While Anita stayed slim, Roger eventually weighed in at 430 pounds. People gaped at him wherever they went. Their kids were teased and bullied at school.

“I loved him so much, but it was very embarrassing,” she says. “I’d think, ‘If only they knew how nice he was.’”

Roger knew his weight affected their relationship. “I could see her embarrassment and the lack of physical attraction,” he says, “but I felt secure knowing she’d still love me even if I got as big as a house.”

After many years and countless failed diets, Roger eventually lost 230 pounds through an eating program that he and Anita developed together.

Seeing past the heft and into Roger’s heart might have been a key factor contributing to his weight loss. But according to relationship experts, as well as Anita, persuading your partner to slim down should not be your focus when you are struggling to manage feelings associated with his or her weight gain.

“No one can make another person lose weight,” says Anita, who came to the realization after pressing Roger to try every fad diet. “All you can do is offer your support.”

If a partner’s weight gain becomes an issue in the relationship, “you should address it by being very loving and supportive, not demeaning or judgmental,” says marriage and family therapist DeMarquis Clarke, Center for Contextual Change, Chicago. “If your partner is gaining weight, there’s probably some underlying issue causing him or her to use food for comfort, and that should be the purpose of bringing it up -– to figure out what the issue is and how you can help them deal with it.”

This is especially true if the weight gain coincides with a noticeable increase in stress, anger or sadness, he adds.

When broaching the subject of a partner’s weight gain, your intent should be to learn, not lecture – ask questions and express concern. “What you don’t want to happen is to make your partner feel devalued, undesirable or misunderstood, which will only perpetuate them using food as a source of comfort,” Clarke says.

But ensuring your partner feels desirable can be tough if his or her extra padding is a turn-off.

“I don’t expect my husband to look like he did 20 years ago, but one of the things that attracted me was his physical appearance,” says Caryn Melton, Milwaukee, Wis., whose spouse has gained 60 pounds over 16 years. “You look across a crowded bar and someone catches your eye. That’s how relationships get started. Physical attraction can’t form the basis of a long-term relationship –there needs to be more to it than that, obviously – but why does it have to go away?”

Clarke says it’s OK to be open and honest about your waning sexual interest, but you should take ownership of your response instead of pinning the blame on your partner. “It needs to come from a framework of ‘I’ statements, such as ‘I’m struggling because I feel less inclined toward physical intimacy,’” he says.

Nutritionist Rovenia M. Brock, Bethesda, Md., knew she married a man with a sweet tooth. But he had other qualities she adored, so when he started getting heavier, she focused on the whole, not the parts.

“You don’t marry an abdomen or a pair of biceps,” she says. “Your attraction shouldn’t diminish if you keep in mind the inner qualities that made you fall in love with your spouse in the first place.”

Brock recommends leaving appearance and attractiveness out of any discussion centered on a partner’s weight. “The message shouldn’t be, ‘You’ll look cuter and more appealing to me if you lose weight,’” she says. “Instead, you should express concerns about how excess weight can adversely affect your partner’s health.”

Carrying excess weight substantially raises the risk of developing high blood pressure and cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, gallbladder disease, joint problems, sleep disturbances and certain types of cancer.

Armed with these facts, “Ask your partner, ‘How can we deal with this so you don’t make me a widow?’” Brock recommends. “Emphasize that your concern stems from you loving the person and wanting them to be around and wanting to have an enhanced quality of life as a couple.”

Addressing a partner’s weight gain as a health concern might make him or her more receptive to discussing it, but Clarke recommends you state your case in a single conversation because bringing the subject up repeatedly will come across as nagging.

“After that initial conversation, let it go and lead by example,” he says. “Invite your partner to go on walks, but if they say no, let it go – and go by yourself.”

Brock’s husband, Murray Riggins, says modeling good behavior is more motivating to him than any other approach, and eliminating temptations in the first place works better than policing his access to the pantry.

“You have to walk the walk. You can’t just talk the talk,” he says. “I’m not saying if you’re fit and healthy you can’t have a cookie, but don’t bring cookies into the house and tell me not to eat them when you know I have a weakness.”

Meanwhile, Melton says she has tried every approach she can think of to curb her husband’s poor eating habits. At her lowest points she wonders whether it’s his lack of caring that causes him to gain weight.

“What that says to me is, ‘I don’t care about growing old with you – I’m on my way to a heart attack at 60,’” she says.

His weight has taken a financial toll, as well. “Our life- and health-insurance premiums are higher because he’s overweight, and he takes cholesterol-lowering drugs,” Melton says.

When one partner’s weight gain becomes a heavier issue than the pair can handle, Clarke recommends seeing a couple’s counselor.

“If there’s rigidity from either partner – an inability to accept on one side and an unwillingness to change on the other – then definitely seek outside help,” he says.

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