How Does Your Helicopter Fly?

Is hovering over your child's every move causing more harm than good?

By Hannah Seligson
CTW Features

It didn’t shock Dr. Cary Anderson, the vice president of student life at Philadelphia-based St. Joseph’s University, when he found that a student’s mother had been sleeping in the dormitory to take care of her sick child. “And this wasn’t a life-threatening illness,” says Anderson.

Welcome to a generation filled with what experts call “helicoptering parents.” A decade ago, these were the doting soccer moms and dads, but instead of watching their pre-teens with eagle eyes from the sidelines of the playing field, the parents are now showing up in dorms for sleepovers, accompanying their grown kids to job interviews and getting involved in roommate disputes.

In the 2006 movie “Because I Said So” Mandy Moore says to her mother, played by Diane Keaton, after she continues to meddle in her love life, “Stop being a helicopter Mom, you’re hovering.”

But even if the inclination is to call your daughter’s professor about that C she got on her chemistry midterm, experts say it’s important that parents learn how to helicopter in more productive ways.

Be a traffic helicopter

Anderson advises parents to reinvent their role during their kid’s college years by helping the child cultivate more independence – become a “traffic helicopter.” “You want to talk to them about where the pitfalls are and what the best route to follow is, but it’s ultimately the driver who makes the decision.”

Learn to trust the process

One of the biggest reasons parents helicopter, Anderson says, is that they often don’t trust the process. “They think that if a child has a roommate problem or gets a bad grade in a class, they must intervene immediately,” he says. “What they often don’t realize is that we have a process in place, like most colleges, whether it’s conflict resolution sessions to resolve roommate issues or extra tutoring in a subject. The process affords them the huge luxury of learning how to solve problems on their own.”

Embrace the shifting relationship

College is a time of transitions, says Anderson, and parents have to acclimate to parenting an adult, not a child. “Adults have to learn to fend for themselves,” he says. “You do your child a disservice by getting involved with every stumbling block they might encounter. What are these kids going to do when they get to the office and their parents can’t intervene over a missed deadline?”

Don’t take off completely

Anderson says there are a lot of positive sides to being intimately involved in your child’s life. “It allows students to have a connection to people that are older and wiser and have been through the college experience,” he says. “Parental guidance should continue through the college years, but guidance is very different than helicoptering.”

Hannah Seligson is a writer based in New York and the author of “New Girl on the Job: Advice from the Trenches” (Citadel Press, 2007).

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