Goodbye, Negativity … Hello, Intimacy

Change your outlook to remove the ‘bad’ and improve even the closest relationships

By Apryl Chapman Thomas
CTW Features

Work stress, money worries and parenting issues are common intimacy barriers between couples. As experts are finding out, however, the barriers that push couples apart aren’t always as obvious as the ones mentioned above. Some barriers are rooted deeper.

Mick Quinn, creator of the Choice for Enlightened Living Fellowship and the Collective Consciousness Network, says the key to intimacy between two people has to come from an individual’s acceptance of repressed negativity.

“Intimacy issues are symptoms of shadow, the repressed or unconscious aspects of ourselves,” Quinn says. “Once you become aware it, the process of ridding yourself of these feelings is simple.”

He says you can identify these negative feelings by looking to the specific emotional responses evoked by memories of the past or thoughts of the future.

“When [negative feelings] arise, know that you are interacting with yourself,” says Quinn. “You are projecting your shadow, the repressed, rejected or denied aspects of yourself, onto others.”

This negativity, he says, is merely a byproduct of subconsciously repressed aspects of a person’s personality he or she doesn’t like. When this happens, there is a tendency to displace negativity onto other people. This can set up a barrier that deters intimacy.

“If you dislike and then shun a characteristic of yours, you will eventually put it onto someone or something outside yourself,” he says. “If you admire and then shun a characteristic of yours, you also project that onto someone or something outside yourself.”

Joyce Catlett, M.A., mental health specialist and author of “Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships,” (American Psychological Association, 2005), says these thoughts typically reflect how you were treated as a child. She writes about working with couples through voice therapy, a vocal way to challenge these negative thoughts.

“There is much anger associated with these embedded negative thoughts,” she says. “I tell couples once they think those negative thoughts, come back with a positive response.”

Once couples begin to work on their individual barriers together, they can recapture some of those intimate feelings they experienced when they first met.

“This brings out changes in feelings, and you both can learn how to get those original feelings about each other back.”

Catlett also recommends writing in a journal, and organizing thoughts and feelings systematically.

“On the left hand side, write down all of your negative thoughts,” she says. “Then on the right side, write down something more congenial. You’ll quickly find out there is more than one view.”

Recognizing these negative thoughts as negative can be an opportunity to rid the shadow in you, Quinn says.

“When you see it arising as deeply-felt, emotional responses from outside yourself, acknowledge them, and then say to yourself, ‘This emotion or feeling is mine.’”

He adds that by accepting this responsibility, you can start to free yourself and your partner from emotional barriers and start on a path toward reclaiming intimacy.

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