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Posted on: October 13, 2006

One 'No' at a Time

Keep tantrums at bay with these 19 strategies for making you a better parent of a better kid.

By Timothy R. Schulte
CTW Features

Shouts of, “I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I DON’T WANNA!” followed by foot stomping, sob-filled wailing and an occasional fall to the floor for some ill-natured tantrum throwing can make any parent eager to appease a torrid tot.

For many parents, that’s the typical response from their child when asked to do something that doesn’t seem too desirable. And asking again doesn’t always seem to work.

“A lot of times a pattern will develop: You ask them to do it, they don’t listen. [After] the second or third time they don’t have to do what’s being said,” says Toni Schutta, a parent coach and author based in St. Paul, Minn.

Parents often get as upset as their tot when dealing with the cycle of anger and resistance: part of a child’s defiance may be rooted in the parenting style. If the parent has a hard-line, authoritative approach, the child could be reacting to the fact that it’s too rigid. Parents and children each have their own temperament, which is often not the same one.

“It’s a way for them to be independent from you,” Schutta says.

Also, they may be trying to remove themselves from stressors in their life, such as divorce, death or a new school, and are attempting to bring some power and control back into their world.

However, there is defense against defiance.

Schutta suggests parents take note of the situations in which their child is being defiant, and then have targeted interventions around those times, be it bedtime or when it comes to doing homework. Examine what problems lead to the acting up, and use a checklist-and-reward system to establish a routine. Also, she says parents should be sure to spend quality one-on-one time with their child. Children who feel close to their parents will have a harder time refusing them. Parents also should be cognizant of whether they’re communicating positively or if they’re yelling or being sarcastic or rude, she says.

Tantrum Tips

Author Toni Schutta outlines 19 strategies for tackling defiance, which she uses in her class, “Yell Less. Hug More! 7 Essential Skills to Make You a Better Parent.”

1. State the rule – Develop basic house rules for them to follow.

2. Describe the problem – If a light’s left on, please shut it off.

3. Build Understanding – If you leave your bike outside, it could get stolen, and you’d be heartbroken.

4. Give an acceptable alternative – Take the ball outside, please.

5. Point to the problem – Point to the pajamas left on the floor.

6. Write a note – Prevents lecturing and repeating the same thing.

7. Be specific – Instead of saying, “Stop it,” tell them what you’d like them to stop doing.

8. Speak to them face-to-face – It prevents yelling from another room.

9. Give them a 1-2-3 method – First command, second with warning, if they comply on the third reward them, or if not enforce the consequence.

10. Make a “no” a “yes” – Give them an alternative for later.

11. Give them two choices – This gives them control over what’s acceptable to you.

12. Reflect feeling back to the child – Compassion can be helpful.

13. Tell them what you’re seeing – And what you’d like to see instead.

14. Grant their wish in fantasy – “You really wish you could go now – you’re really looking forward to seeing your friend.”

15. State command as a statement, not a question – Don’t ask them if they want to go to bed, tell them it’s time to go.

16. Make it fun to get to the next place – Put their favorite cds in the car, or see if they can hop like a frog to the car.

17. Use rewards – Focus on positive behavior and create a reward system.

18. Think preventatively – Determine what triggers the defiance and find ways to prevent it.

19. Praise baby steps – Every little bit helps.