Dysfunction Junction

The most benign family conflicts become multi-layered fiascos when wedding bells ring. If your family has more serious disagreements, you need to address them head on – or you’ll end up with cake on your face

By Margraret Littman
CTW Features

Perhaps that line from Leo Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina,” “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” is so oft-quoted because people find comfort in knowing they are not the only ones without a perfect family. But when it comes to wedding planning, you’d probably rather swap the comfort of knowing you are in good company with the prospect of a conflict-free day of nuptials.

Just as your sweetie didn’t ride into your life on a white horse, a wedding without any family disagreements is pure fairy tale. Even those happy families have differences of opinion. And, when a family is used to being fractured and feuding, well, the conflicts can impact every part of a wedding, from the invitations to the day itself.

“It happens with happy events as well as sad. Unresolved kinds of dormant issues, old issues, crop up in the middle of everything else,” explains Michele Germain, a San Diego-based therapist, counselor and author. “The truth is, every family has conflict, but some families manage them better than others.”

If your family is one of those that could use a little help in the management department, take heart. Experts say while you cannot eliminate strife from the wedding-planning process (no, not even if you elope – more on that later), you can make sure your family’s dysfunction does not affect your wedding’s function.

Advice for Acrimony

William J. Doherty, a family therapist, co-wrote with his daughter, Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, the book “Take Back Your Wedding” (BookSurge Publishing, 2007) about the angst that can surface when planning a wedding. Doherty and Thomas didn’t feel that there was a lot of good advice out there to helps brides-to-be in these sticky situations.

“A lot of advice from other brides was not that useful,” says Doherty, who watched his own daughter navigate the world of bridal listservs and message board as she planned her own nuptials. “A lot of it was, ‘It is your day, do whatever you want!’ If that response worked, then the issue would not be on chat boards.”

The first piece of advice the team has is this: Even if you elope, says Doherty, who is on the faculty at the University of Minnesota, you aren’t going to escape the family drama … you’re just putting off all those hurt feelings over being excluded for later. So, if what you really want is a ceremony with friends and family (be it 10 or 100), toss that elopement talk, and get down to business figuring out where things could go wrong with your family.

Experts say the most common family conflicts are over guest lists (who to invite and who to exclude), money (even budget weddings are expensive affairs), in-law issues (by definition, a wedding is two families coming together) and perhaps the most acrimonious of all, divorced families (with all sorts of concerns about blending families and guilt and worry).

Threats, Not Promises

The good news is because they stakes are so high and emotions so intense around weddings, while furious family members might make threats, Doherty says they rarely act on them. “One of the things we tell brides and grooms is that people rarely follow through with a boycott threat,” Doherty says. “If you did not go to your child’s wedding, everybody knows. There is literally a space being held for you.”

Of course, that doesn’t mean you can ignore your dad’s threats not to show up if your mom brings her new beau, but it is something to keep in mind as you negotiate a middle ground.

Germain recommends that couples take stock of that list and start thinking about the issues that tend to push buttons.

“The bride and groom must pay attention to their own desires and needs and decide what they are willing to let go of in advance.” If you know what your chips are before you start to bargain, you’ll know what you’ll have to do to meet family members in the middle.

When there are potential issues, one of the most important steps is also one of the most basic, says New York psychologist and family therapist Ella Lasky, Ph.D.: Talk to the family member who might have a concern. It is your wedding, and part of what the ceremony does is symbolize to everyone your status as an adult couple.

“If things are talked about ahead of time, conflict can be minimized (although not eliminated),” Germain says. “If family members are giving you money for the wedding, ask up front, ‘What are your expectations?’”

Managing the Madness

Some demographic factors do seem to lessen the potential conflicts. Older brides and grooms may already have a firmer footing in their families, and they may be more used to their particular brand of dysfunction. This makes it easier for them to face issues head on, but also to let some slights go unnoticed. Couples who are footing their bill for their own wedding also tend to have a little more leverage in decisions but still need to tread carefully to make sure everyone feels welcome and part of the process.

Divorce and remarriage make the number of stakeholders grow. Floral designer and wedding planner Jackie R. Lacey, who once had nine parents to deal with in one wedding, encourages brides-to-be to think about the things they do to honor parents at the rehearsal dinner and at the wedding. If you have a toast to your mother, make sure you have one for your stepmother and mother-in-law.

One final word of wisdom from Doherty: “If they do it well, relationships can strengthened through a wedding. But if they are approached with a consumer mentality, I worry that is not a good way to start of a marriage, and not a good way to make decisions in future.”

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