Etiquette for the Modern Engagement

By Timothy R. Schulte
CTW Features

When your parents got engaged, their nearest and dearest didn’t find out via an updated Facebook status.

But it was those modern marvels of the technological world like social networking and text messaging prompted UK etiquette institution Debrett’s to publish two etiquette tomes for the contemporary lady and gentleman: “Debrett’s Etiquette for Girls” and “Debrett’s Manners for Men” (ACC Publishing).

However, the ease of mass messaging doesn’t mean that’s how you should notify your nearest and dearest about your engagement, says Jo Bryant, an etiquette adviser for Debrett’s. “The most important people should be told,” Bryant says. So that means call your family and closest friends. You can e-mail other close friends, but you don’t need to tell everyone; word of mouth will do its course.

Getting-married etiquette doesn’t start at the engagement, though; it often begins before.

The Debrett’s folks recommend the man ask permission before popping the question, but whether it’s the father or both the woman’s parents “really depends on the complexity of the family and how close you are to them,” Bryant says. Beyond the bride’s parents, the potential fiancée shouldn’t talk to much about it. And neither should the potential fiancé, even if she suspects something.

“Never talk about being proposed to aloud,” Bryant says. “If nothing’s been mentioned … trust him and go with the flow. Don’t ruin the surprise.”

A smart man, of course, puts some planning into his proposal.

“I think the thing to really think about is that this is an occasion that you’re going to remember for the rest of your life,” says Bryant, noting that kids and grandkids will ask how it happened. “Some thought needs to go in it.

“Timing is so important,” Bryant adds. “If it’s definitely the thing you want to do, it’s got to be as perfect as you can make it.”

A favorite restaurant or vacation locale would be good spots – anywhere that’s special or memorable to the two of you.

Assuming all goes well with the proposal, and assuming geography doesn’t get in the way, it’s nice for the couple and both sets of parents to get together to celebrate, especially if they’re going to be involved with the wedding financially.

Of course, that’s changed, too.

“Lots of couple’s host their own wedding,” Bryant says. “Couples are much more in control of what they want.

“What was once set in stone is now broken down,” she says.

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