Maid of Money?

Attire, gifts, party-planning – the title of bridesmaid seems to require its own bank account. Here’s how to stand up on the big day without going broke

By Anna Sachse
CTW Features

One day, circa the recent release of “28 Dresses,” I was asking my friend Melissa about the worst bridesmaid dress she ever had to wear and she filled me in on a boxy, belted, taffeta number, but concluded her story by saying, “The worst crime committed in the name of friendship is dyeables – there is no reason for it when everyone can just wear strappy black shoes. You pretty much [stink] as a bride/person if you ask your girls to dye their shoes to match their dress.”

To make matters worse, most bridesmaids have to pay for these dyed-to-match hot pink or canary yellow satin pumps, in addition to their dress, jewelry, hair and makeup, gifts, parties and more – nowadays it seems like standing up for your BFF on her special day could necessitate taking out a loan! Whether you are a young 20-something right out of college who isn’t yet making a lot of money, or even if you are in your early 30s and settled in a career but still paying off your college loans or taking care of a family, the simple fact is that nobody has an extra fund of thousands to throw down on one (or several) weddings as is required, especially if you must travel, says Kate Chynoweth, author of the best-selling “Bridesmaid Guide: Etiquette, Parties, and Being Fabulous” (Chronicle Books, 2002).

According to Chynoweth, some of the typical expenses involved in being a bridesmaid include: the dress (and alterations) $150 to 500; shoes and lingerie $50 to $200; hair, makeup and accessories $50 to $150; transportation and lodging $200 to $1,000+; an individual gift to the couple $50 to $150; the shower (including gift) $50 to $200; the bachelorette party (including gift) $20 to $150 – for a possible total of $2,350, if not more.

In addition, the Maid of Honor often takes the reins on hosting the shower and/or bachelorette party, which can mean taking on a bit more financial responsibility; however, it’s perfectly acceptable today to ask the whole bridesmaid team to split the costs equally, as long as the event isn’t too elaborate, says Chynoweth.

And it shouldn’t be too elaborate if a bride wants to be considerate of her friends. While her wedding extravaganza might be the priceless event of a lifetime for her, it’s important for her to remember that her nuptials are really just another day in the financial life of her nearest and dearest.

“It’s not OK for a bride to make demands that greatly exceed the means of her bridesmaids,” says Chynoweth, “such as insisting on a pricey bachelorette party held in Las Vegas when it’s clear that not everyone in the group can afford it.” Instead, let your bridesmaids plan the parties so that they can entertain in a way that’s affordable for them.

Other tips for brides who want to make the price for participating a little easier on their ladies include: stating that standing up is gift enough; choosing a basic style guideline for the dresses, such as color or length, and then allowing the bridesmaids to pick their own look; not demanding that the maids have their hair and makeup done professionally; and never taking the dyed-pump route, says Chynoweth.

“Select a style such as black-and-strappy so the maids can do some happy hunting at department store sale racks or affordable chain stores,” advises Chynoweth. “If you choose a basic shoe, many of your attendants may already have it.” (My friend Melissa would be thrilled.)

There are also ways that bridesmaids can try to cut costs on their own. Remember that, in general, less is more with jewelry – everyone will be looking at the bride, not the details of your outfit. You also shouldn’t spend extra money on lingerie – go for the cheap stick-on cups instead of an expensive strapless bra, and borrow that tummy-tucking device from a good friend who shares your size. And if the bride is mellow enough not to require that you go the professional route on the day of the wedding, do your own hair, makeup, manicure and pedicure. “You can still join the bride at the salon while she gets her hair done – hopefully with the makings for mimosas!” says Chynoweth.

However, despite the best intentions of both the bride and yourself, it’s important to remember that according to etiquette, bridesmaids really are on the hook for the usual expenses.

“It’s irresponsible to agree to be a bridesmaid if you think you can’t afford basic costs such as the dress, and transportation and lodging if the wedding is not in your hometown,” says Chynoweth. “However, if you’re feeling extremely strapped, and being creative and cutting the costs of parties and gifts with DIY isn’t helping, it might be time for a heart-to-heart with the bride. At the very least, she might let you off the hook for hair and makeup the day of the wedding.”

When I got married, my only maid was my sister, and I paid to have her hair done.

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