How to Say ‘No’ to a Hand-Me-Down

If it’s not your style, you don’t need to compromise. Fulfill your own wedding wardrobe wishes despite what others may want you to do

By Anna Sachse
CTW Features

Image courtesy Elizabeth Fillmore

From the moment you got engaged, visions of chic, sleek Vera Wang dresses with black sashes have danced through your head. But then your mother waltzes into the room, tears in her eyes, and offers you the long-sleeved, heavily laced number she wore on her own wedding day, a look that couldn’t be more opposite from your personal style. How can you say no without hurting her feelings? How do you say no to anyone when they insist you wear something they find special, such as jewelry, hats, shoes, handbags and more, on your special day?

According to Elise Mac Adam, the IndieEtiquette columnist for IndieBride.com and author of “Something New: Wedding Etiquette for Rule Breakers, Traditionalists, and Everyone In Between” (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, 2008), saying no to the apparel-pushers is all about your tone.

“It is perfectly reasonable to not want to wear your mother’s old wedding dress,” says Mac Adam, “but telling her outright that it isn’t your taste isn’t the route to take.”

Gently acknowledge your mother’s feelings while also being direct, advises Mac Adam. Emphasize how much you cherish her offer and support, but explain that you really want the special experience of picking out your own dress. Try to avoid making comments on the style of her gown or saying anything about your specific taste in dresses – simply base your explanation on your interest in having the adventure of picking out something new.

You might also want to ask her if you can instead incorporate another piece of her wedding ensemble into your own attire in a smaller way, suggests Antonia van der Meer, editor-in-chief of Modern Bride magazine. You could use a piece of the lace from her veil to wrap your bouquet stems, for example, and thus incorporate your “something old” along with the “new” dress.

“Many women love the idea of passing a wedding dress on to a daughter,” says van der Meer. “If your mother is one of those who hope to see you wear the same dress she did, be sure to acknowledge the sentiment behind her offer.”

You can also then divert your mother’s attention elsewhere by asking her to join you on a special dress-shopping trip for two.

“Once she sees you in a beautiful new wedding dress of your choice, and how happy you are in it, she may be much more likely to come around to your point of view,” says van der Meer.

Even when the pusher is a different relative or perhaps a good friend, it is still important to be gracious.

“Always thank someone for the kind offer to share his or her things with you,” says van der Meer. “Then let them know that you have already made other arrangements concerning the item in question. You might say that the offered item doesn’t fit in well with your overall wedding look or you may let them know that you have already found something else that just happened to be perfect.”

You could also say that since the hat/jewelry/shoes/handbag is so beautiful that you wouldn’t want to be responsible for the item during the wedding, suggests Mac Adam, but you would love it if the person offering the item wore it herself to the event. Be firm but kind, and never say anything dismissive about the object being offered or the offer itself.

But regardless of your approach in the moment, your best bet is to strategize from the beginning.

“If you have been open to compromise on other fronts, it is much easier to put your foot down and say, ‘I’m sorry, but picking my own dress is really important to me,’ or ‘I loved all of your help finding a reception venue and picking the menu, but I really want to handle the ceremony details myself,’” says Mac Adam.

Weddings are family affairs, but with a little tact, creativity and confidence, the business of the bride’s attire will belong to exactly the right person – the bride.

Comments	Date

Name:
Email:
Comments :

Copyright © CTW Features